A New Song to Sing

Today is #worldmentalhealthday and I wanted to take some time to share part of my own story and follow up with a few things in my last major post.  I think it’s great to have a day like this and to see mental health taken seriously. More and more people are speaking out, and while there is still a stigma apparent in our world, I truly believe we are making progress.  I have always felt the need to minimize my own struggles, while publicly I may seem so open about everything in my life, this is not my nature. Anyone who grew up with me can recall the immense and high walls I would put up around my emotions. I wouldn’t always open up to even my closest friends or family. My point being, I have not always been so ‘confident’ or publicly expressive with who I am or where I’ve come from. It’s taken a choice, the hard choice to go against the voices in my head that tell me to live in fear and silence. I didn’t always know what the words anxiety, depression, suicide, sch...

Withered trees in the cruel taunts of mind Sadness is exhaled like air “Set-off easy”   But you would too if you were me The Christmas lights look grey Dawn turns to day I turn to hear you say [silence] [silence] [silence] It seems it’s just me among the trees Sometimes I hate Christmas And as a Christian I’m not supposed to do that I want to backspace and erase But my heart leaps in pain seeing written words ring out with truth Hate is probably a strong word, perhaps let’s go with bitter Bitter is probably a strong word, perhaps let’s go with ache I remember waking up on Christmas morning and running to the gifts It was probably 6am and the house was dark My mother heard of course She satisfied my excitement and we began opening gifts I remember waking up excited I remember always decorating the tree together Stringing up the lights Placing the ornaments we collected over the years My father was there of course He sat s...

Scribble, scratch (chicken variety) Onto paper Thoughts Both happy and sad (orangy like the farmer's windy fields) churning, yearning For tomorrow's gaze that would provide (grace upon grace) better and better days. I wouldn't call it 'clinical' But depressed in body, mind & emotion contests (oh i contest) That some days tomorrow's gaze leaves me undone.

Arms crossed on the couch I sat, uttering; “I’ll never have him walk me down the aisle” As I held a cold, hard hand looking upon his peace-filled coffin face I remembered our memories together Now it’s time to reconcile, but there is no proper way to release What do I do in these days? Why, when people say that ‘planning a wedding is fun’ does it not feel ‘fun’? Why, in every way, every year, every damn holiday does my heart ache? People make it sound and look so easy, but oh world, oh sky, oh God, grief is not easy . In most of the recent days, I find myself living from extreme to extreme. Brokenness to whole and seeming-bliss But oh world, oh sky, oh God; how do I hold these two without internally shattering. Perhaps the jokes on me and i already have. Friends, family, acquaintances, loved-ones, far-off strangers, I address you and petition that this is not an attention grabbing plea Not for you, not for me. But as I hold my head in my hands I ask, ‘ what th...

Weakness resounds as the waterfalls of memories roar down         In a bleak, but green, clearing Those moments pang         Pain it rang         We all sang;                 "Great is thy faithfulness" The pastor's voice (like church bells) toll;         "He is with you, don't you know" Conceding         I'm pleading                 For you Lord (to free me) Dug out like war-torn trenches These weathered lands of minds shall never once         groom and grovel in death's emptiest attempts                 to breed contempt But to the sky my r...

There are moments I wish I could remove from my life. Devastating, tragic, traumatic, good that I can never have back. I think as Christians we are afraid to suffer. Fix what is not ours to fix, claim broken what will be used for good. But how do the last two clauses line up? This summer. I walked into it feeling like I was on the most stable and solid ground that I had ever felt in my life. And I don’t doubt that was the case. I walked through more triggers this summer than I ever have in my life. So many moments that brought me back to the hardest, most traumatic days in my life. Constantly watching those around me. And as the days went on I could feel my heart hollow out.  And then there were moments. And I walk with them this school year. But I’m not about to share all of my pain in a blog post, I want to share my thoughts from this pain.    Many days I’ve let my pain and circumstances make me feel ugly and defective. Thu...