Ode; Aching

There are moments I wish I could remove from my life.

Devastating, tragic, traumatic, good that I can never have back.

I think as Christians we are afraid to suffer. Fix what is not ours to fix, claim broken what will be used for good.

But how do the last two clauses line up?

This summer.

I walked into it feeling like I was on the most stable and solid ground that I had ever felt in my life. And I don’t doubt that was the case.

I walked through more triggers this summer than I ever have in my life. So many moments that brought me back to the hardest, most traumatic days in my life. Constantly watching those around me.

And as the days went on I could feel my heart hollow out. 

And then there were moments. And I walk with them this school year.

But I’m not about to share all of my pain in a blog post, I want to share my thoughts from this pain. 

 

Many days I’ve let my pain and circumstances make me feel ugly and defective. Thus further diving into bitterness and contempt; a place far away from the Lord, not in morals but rather in my heart. Constantly I’ve petitioned these feelings, deeming them as those that needed to be fixed. 

We are continuously seeking relief, but never stopping to let ourselves feel the hollow and the numb. Always trying to fix, but never walking. 

But lately I’ve stopped. After so long, I think that this place of pain is where I need to be (I don’t know how many will agree). 

What do we do with verses like these; “I am overwhelmed with troubles and my life draws near to death. I am counted among those who go down into the pit; I am like one without strength. I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care“ (Psalm 88:3-5).

Yes the psalmist is pleading to be relieved from their present state, but they are also declaring and acknowledging before the Lord where they are truly at. 

I don’t feel very happy right now, my days are filled with a lot of sadness and a lot of tears as I petition “why” to many moments from my summer. Verses like the ones above allow me to lament in this time; lamenting is biblical. 

It can be really easy to tell ourselves that when we come out of our place of trial then we will be free. Then will God be free to move in our lives.

I stood and watched, and stood and watched some more until a street in my mind lied vacant.

I can hold God accountable to His promise of never leaving nor forsaking me because in His Word He has promised this. If God has forsaken me (or I feel like He has as the psalmist did), or has not made His presence known, I can petition along with the psalmist. I do this in faith; I love the Lord fervently with all of my heart.

 

“You know how full of love and kindness our Lord Jesus Christ was.” – 2 Cor 8:9a

 

But what if this time is God’s portion for my life at the present moment? We are afraid to suffer. 

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited [based off of Paul’s visions and revelations of the third heaven] I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me; My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why for Christ’s sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Cor 12:7b-20 NIV

Paul found PREMISE TO BOAST IN HIS WEAKNESSES. He found reason to delight in these times. DELIGHT. 

I have cried out to the Lord for a few months now, many times in tears. I have petitioned my case before Him stating that "I hate this time, this season”. There is a lot to learn from Paul in the passage from 2 Corinthians
. 

Paul pleaded with the Lord to have his thorn in the flesh (weakness, infirmity) taken away. But God did not take it away from him. His grace is sufficient, His power is made perfect in weakness.

I’m still learning about what this means in my own studies, but the grace of God is sufficient.

So what does this all mean? Right now, I am choosing to delight in the weaknesses that I have. What I have petitioned to have taken away, I am learning to lean on His grace first. But I am still sad.

  

I do not want to be fixed, I want God. I want the relational hurt I feel to be mended, but even more I want God. 

I thank the Lord for this time, even if my praises are ones in faith.