Wedding Grief

Arms crossed on the couch I sat, uttering; “I’ll never have him walk me down the aisle”
As I held a cold, hard hand looking upon his peace-filled coffin face I remembered our memories together

Now it’s time to reconcile, but there is no proper way to release

What do I do in these days?
Why, when people say that ‘planning a wedding is fun’ does it not feel ‘fun’?
Why, in every way, every year, every damn holiday does my heart ache?
People make it sound and look so easy, but oh world, oh sky, oh God, grief is not easy.

In most of the recent days, I find myself living from extreme to extreme.
Brokenness to whole and seeming-bliss
But oh world, oh sky, oh God; how do I hold these two without internally shattering.
Perhaps the jokes on me and i already have.

Friends, family, acquaintances, loved-ones, far-off strangers, I address you and petition that this is not an attention grabbing plea
Not for you, not for me.

But as I hold my head in my hands I ask, ‘what the hell do I do with my wedding grief?’

I am proud and so very thankful to marry who I am,
But as for this day
It’s daunting and completely awful to stare death in the face as I have time and time again
It’s difficult as my bereavement seizes me holistically
And it’s rough to not be able to do a damn thing to fill the void of a lost loved one from my ‘special day’

Perhaps I grow a little sour toward each passing day
But perhaps it’s okay to be sad and not view my wedding as ‘fun’ or ‘my very own special day’

I lament, as others have before me.
I crumble, as others have before me.
And oh world, oh sky, oh God;
I’ll grow
Just as others have before me.