Fifty-five (I am not fatherless)
It's a late Friday evening, my mind turns to pondering and wandering.
October third. I think back to childhood. Birthday's were and still remain to be a special day in my family, as they might be in many of yours. My parents are/were born three days apart, which I always thought was cool growing up. It's one of those things when that special someone walks into your life that make you notice them just that much more. Like a silly common interest two potential partners could share; loving the exact same restaurant, interested in the same types of literature, games or movies, pondering those deep questions in life that you thought no one else would, or even just realizing that for the first time you feel something for someone you never thought you would/could. Perhaps this small trait of having (close to) the same birthday was something of a spark for my parents. This closet romantic would love to think so.
Today my dad would have turned 55 and it's really made me stop and think about just all that it means/entails. At one point (I think?) someone became a senior at 55, or at least the term "freedom 55" was thrown around lots. If you've known me long enough you know that my father lived just 2 1/2 months past his 51st birthday - so let's just get that detail out of the way. When something affects me I feel a desire well inside my very core to express it. Over the past little while I've learned to love writing, whether I'm good at it I could care less - but I'm escaping my intentions. My mind can't help but think about how much has changed since my dad's passing and what it might look like if he were still here. I'm sure that if you've lost someone, or even have experienced rash change in your life, you find yourself wondering what life would look like "if". Many think it's unhealthy to look at the "what-ifs" because it hinders from moving forward. That's probably true (maybe?) but for now I need to express, then I can move on (it's just the way I'm wired I think).
What if I was here at Briercrest but my dad was alive? Would he have been mad about this decision? Would he be proud of where I'm at? Would I even be at Briercrest?
What if we were celebrating his birthday tomorrow? Collecting the family and ordering take-out and just enjoying each other.
What if this was the year for an early retirement? All the money saved could go into bettering the house, a vacation for my parents, an overdue vacation for our family.
What if his heart-attack had just been a death-scare? Would he be a different father? Would he gain a new appreciation for life and family? Would a vicarious young spirit flow into his very soul that would awaken a new drive within him?
Fatherless
What if that's me? Spoiler alert: it's definitely not, but hang on.
I've pondered, and essentially lived through, this overbearing feeling. Let me tell you, it gets empty some days. Even on my most joyous days, his death and how his life fled from this earth has a weight on me. Yes Jesus carries this, but no it is not easy. Grief is NOT easy. But
For the first time in my life I'd like to say that it finally feels like I'm standing on a stable and solid emotional ground
And you better believe my stable emotions affect every other area of my life (positively) - just ask those closest to me; those who've shared in my worst days, who've heard me rant about how unfair being "fatherless" felt (even if I haven't always put it in those exact ways).
I could absolutely let this turn me into a bitter, cold/hard-hearted, wreck-loose, man-hating, grief-stricken, anxiety ridden (,etc.) girl/woman
but you better believe that I will not.
"On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand"
A phrase from a worship song from my second year at Briercrest that always hit home. I knew it's where I needed/wanted to be, where I felt like I was some days, and where I knew that I wasn't on others. As December approaches, it will be four years since I last had an earthly father. And I've thought about a lot of things.
I am not sixteen anymore. (And that is great haha!!) But I'd like to think I'm a woman, a very young one at that mind you. I've learned a lot, and I've met a lot of people. I've healed in many ways and I've learned to love myself and not look through life with the eyes of a victim who everyone is trying to hurt. I'm learning to love in deep and intentional ways and let myself fall & follow, even if it's scary. I don't have it all figured out, and that's okay. I'm still learning, and that's okay. As upset as I could be about today I know that I'm going to be okay. Yes many days still hurt, but I am going to be okay.
I am not fatherless. No I don't have an earthly father, but man does God know how to be the best dad this girl could ever ask for. He has blessed, taken care of, and provided for me in so many ways. I am in good hands. But perhaps it's not that way for everyone, and I get that - I really do. But let me say, I'm sorry for what you're going through and I truly hope that one day you discover how deep, wide, high, and long the love of God is. And I truly mean that.
I have A LOT to be thankful for. I think about the people who have stepped in/up into my life. In losing my dad I did not lose everything. My friends are like a huge family, and I love them all greatly. I have a great boyfriend who I am blessed by and who exceeded so many expectations of what I could have hoped for. We are not perfect, and our relationship is not perfect, but I'd like to think that I have stumbled onto something great. So many adults and mentors have come into my life and are consistently used by God to shape me into a better woman. And I still have a family who I love dearly. I am not fatherless.
Happy 55th birthday Dad! I didn't even know how precious your life was until it was gone. You've taught me a lot, even in the past 4 years, and I know you will continue to as your memory lives on in the journey I walk and the pieces of you that I carry. Thank you for being the man that you could be to us, it will be a good day when we talk again.
-A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling- Psalm 68:5
October third. I think back to childhood. Birthday's were and still remain to be a special day in my family, as they might be in many of yours. My parents are/were born three days apart, which I always thought was cool growing up. It's one of those things when that special someone walks into your life that make you notice them just that much more. Like a silly common interest two potential partners could share; loving the exact same restaurant, interested in the same types of literature, games or movies, pondering those deep questions in life that you thought no one else would, or even just realizing that for the first time you feel something for someone you never thought you would/could. Perhaps this small trait of having (close to) the same birthday was something of a spark for my parents. This closet romantic would love to think so.
Today my dad would have turned 55 and it's really made me stop and think about just all that it means/entails. At one point (I think?) someone became a senior at 55, or at least the term "freedom 55" was thrown around lots. If you've known me long enough you know that my father lived just 2 1/2 months past his 51st birthday - so let's just get that detail out of the way. When something affects me I feel a desire well inside my very core to express it. Over the past little while I've learned to love writing, whether I'm good at it I could care less - but I'm escaping my intentions. My mind can't help but think about how much has changed since my dad's passing and what it might look like if he were still here. I'm sure that if you've lost someone, or even have experienced rash change in your life, you find yourself wondering what life would look like "if". Many think it's unhealthy to look at the "what-ifs" because it hinders from moving forward. That's probably true (maybe?) but for now I need to express, then I can move on (it's just the way I'm wired I think).
What if I was here at Briercrest but my dad was alive? Would he have been mad about this decision? Would he be proud of where I'm at? Would I even be at Briercrest?
What if we were celebrating his birthday tomorrow? Collecting the family and ordering take-out and just enjoying each other.
What if this was the year for an early retirement? All the money saved could go into bettering the house, a vacation for my parents, an overdue vacation for our family.
What if his heart-attack had just been a death-scare? Would he be a different father? Would he gain a new appreciation for life and family? Would a vicarious young spirit flow into his very soul that would awaken a new drive within him?
Fatherless
What if that's me? Spoiler alert: it's definitely not, but hang on.
I've pondered, and essentially lived through, this overbearing feeling. Let me tell you, it gets empty some days. Even on my most joyous days, his death and how his life fled from this earth has a weight on me. Yes Jesus carries this, but no it is not easy. Grief is NOT easy. But
For the first time in my life I'd like to say that it finally feels like I'm standing on a stable and solid emotional ground
And you better believe my stable emotions affect every other area of my life (positively) - just ask those closest to me; those who've shared in my worst days, who've heard me rant about how unfair being "fatherless" felt (even if I haven't always put it in those exact ways).
I could absolutely let this turn me into a bitter, cold/hard-hearted, wreck-loose, man-hating, grief-stricken, anxiety ridden (,etc.) girl/woman
but you better believe that I will not.
"On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand"
A phrase from a worship song from my second year at Briercrest that always hit home. I knew it's where I needed/wanted to be, where I felt like I was some days, and where I knew that I wasn't on others. As December approaches, it will be four years since I last had an earthly father. And I've thought about a lot of things.
I am not sixteen anymore. (And that is great haha!!) But I'd like to think I'm a woman, a very young one at that mind you. I've learned a lot, and I've met a lot of people. I've healed in many ways and I've learned to love myself and not look through life with the eyes of a victim who everyone is trying to hurt. I'm learning to love in deep and intentional ways and let myself fall & follow, even if it's scary. I don't have it all figured out, and that's okay. I'm still learning, and that's okay. As upset as I could be about today I know that I'm going to be okay. Yes many days still hurt, but I am going to be okay.
I am not fatherless. No I don't have an earthly father, but man does God know how to be the best dad this girl could ever ask for. He has blessed, taken care of, and provided for me in so many ways. I am in good hands. But perhaps it's not that way for everyone, and I get that - I really do. But let me say, I'm sorry for what you're going through and I truly hope that one day you discover how deep, wide, high, and long the love of God is. And I truly mean that.
I have A LOT to be thankful for. I think about the people who have stepped in/up into my life. In losing my dad I did not lose everything. My friends are like a huge family, and I love them all greatly. I have a great boyfriend who I am blessed by and who exceeded so many expectations of what I could have hoped for. We are not perfect, and our relationship is not perfect, but I'd like to think that I have stumbled onto something great. So many adults and mentors have come into my life and are consistently used by God to shape me into a better woman. And I still have a family who I love dearly. I am not fatherless.
Happy 55th birthday Dad! I didn't even know how precious your life was until it was gone. You've taught me a lot, even in the past 4 years, and I know you will continue to as your memory lives on in the journey I walk and the pieces of you that I carry. Thank you for being the man that you could be to us, it will be a good day when we talk again.
-A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling- Psalm 68:5
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